I’m going crazy! So many thoughts swirling in my head. What good are they? Silence wouldn’t be better though. It’d be like death. Boring like those silly people that believed the end of the world was nigh. Smug grin. There. That’s better. Dry humor good for something.

The heart isn’t broken but the soul is suffocating. It’s late. Why can’t I bring myself to sleep. Every night the same. Tired eyes but wired body. Just antsy and sad. Far past the witching hour now, which totally gets a bad rap. Midnight isn’t scary at all. I’m amazed I haven’t crashed from exhaustion. Just running on mysterious forces…adrenaline?

What would cure me? A total life upheaval? Leave everything and everyone behind to have a fresh start. I don’t dare that …yet. Not because I would miss anybody. I’ve mourned them all before. I’ve been displaced before in a seemingly minor event that really hit home. I’ve made my peace with separations and absences. I’m used to it. I expect it. I can talk to myself. I’ll easily forget the past with a new focus and purpose. But there will be no movement. Not until I know where I want to go and do. Can’t act without a plan. Well not me anyway. 

Something big is forming, brewing. I can even recognize some of the building blocks. The final answer is coming. It’s just such a pain waiting for it. I am a slave to my gut. It’s not ready yet and I am impatient. How much longer? Months, years? I wouldn’t be so lucky for it to be mere days. Sigh. There is an end date. If I knew, that would appease me. I could count down in excitement. As it stands I am a roller coaster of emotion. I can understand why people cut themselves. But no, don’t do that. Ok, I think I’m calm now. I’ll be able to sleep in a bit.


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